Roses & Thorns..

Today I have decided to do a bit of a different blog "Roses & Thorns", I saw it on TV yesterday, On Oprah perhaps? Where you sit at the Dinner Table & everyone says what their Roses & Thorns are for the day (The good & Bad of the day) and I thought it was such a great idea- A whole lot better than my "Thumbs up, Thumbs down" on my LiveJournal! I'm going to try and make this a frequent thing- You're welcome to do the same :)

Roses

• Milk Chocolate with Hazelnuts
• Rain- It means the Dog isn't barking today
• No Bills- the Postie rode straight past our house!

Thorns

• The Baby has a cold and she is full of Snot and she is Clingy
• The 4 year old seems to have forgotten the meaning of "quiet"
• Child Care fees went up by $12 for us

A positive post!

I'm having more better days than I am bad days. This is a good thing, Maybe this means I am  becoming more & more like you as the days go by? Is it the meds? The extreme change in diet?

Today I cleaned out the laundry. I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the tiles like never before. I bought the Cat a new litter tray (Because all cats need a dark pink litter tray right?), I even cleaned the inside of the washing machine properly!

I'm not used to cleaning like that.

I admit it...I am not the tidiest person in the world. If you came over to my house you would see dust on all of my skirting boards, Dog paw prints on my tiles, crumbs on my floor, Hot Wheel cars everywhere and 8 glasses  on my coffee table.

I used to get so upset about this- but instead, I am looking at the things you would see if you did come to my house- Clean, well fed children, Happy Animals, Freshly bakes cupcakes, comfy couches, great photos

So is having a clean house all part of me feeling better? I have energy that I don't normally have, I'm leaving my house to go further than the letterbox. I'm smiling.

You hear that?? I am smiling.

I am smiling because this is a positive blog from me today, One where, for the first time apart from 2 labours- I have complete & utter faith that things will be ok.

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling inspired- I may even start my Food Blog this week...we'll see!

Am I becoming...normal?

This weekend I left my house.

Yes, you read that correctly... I left my house.

I left my house and went 25km from home, I sat in the car for a total of 2 hours and 4 minutes the whole weekend.

and it felt good.

What about me?

I want to be the kind of person who is well known.

 Not a famous person, but a person respected and loved in the community. A person who, when people walk by - say nice things about. They say how I helped  someone or how I did something spectacular and made a dent in the world..

I want to join the CWA and be a well respected member of the CWA in my area..

I want to own my own online store and make and create amazing things that all my friends love and share with their friends.

A friend told me the other day that she thinks I am one of the least selfish people she knows. It meant alot to hear that someone viewed me that way- because I really do feel like I am selfish.

Selfish because I won't achieve those things above- because I am too busy focusing on me. Not what I will do, but what I can't do..

What about me? When will it be my turn to change my life- will it take something bad to happen to snap me in to gear? Why can't I be like you? Why can't I do the things that you do? Why can't I have a healthy body, healthy mind and just get the fuck off my arse and DO SOMETHING??

It isn't fair. Stop the world, because I want to get off.

Seperation Anxiety. Pain in the arse...or just an amazing bond?

You be the judge.

Lately I have been having a bit of a hardtime with the Baby and her Seperation Anxiety.

Putting it nicely- It is doing my fucking head in.

My son wasn't ever like this so this is a "new" thing for us, and it sucks.
I cannot leave the room without hysterics from her, David cannot hold her unless I am in the room with her- and god forbid I leave the room to go to the toilet or eat!

We had a Maternal Health Nurse visit last week, After explaining this to the MCHN, her reply was "It's a pain in the arse, but I am smiling and I will tell you why- This is a GOOD thing because it means you & your Daughter have created an amazing bond with each other".

Yes, It is amazing that we have created this bond, but fuck! Give me a break!

Right now she is asleep in her Daddies arms, something that very rarely happens- This is the longest I have been able to sit infront of the Computer in a month and a half (That is how long this Seperation Anxiety has been going on). MCHN said to keep distance to a minimum and soon enough she will get over this phase- I hope she is right.

I feel like a shitty Mother admitting that this is doing my head in right now, but it is...and I feel like this is something I need to tell you, or I just need to get off my chest.

Am I the only one who has struggled with a babies stage in life? No.

So why do I feel so alone in this?

Work, The past, The future & everything in between...

I have worked in so many different occupations over the past 17 years, It is crazy.

My very first job was cleaning Beachfront Units with my Mum & Dad- something I didn't have a choice in doing, something I was forced in to doing so that I was keeping out of trouble and making their job easier. I don't recall being paid for it, I just remember coming home and smelling like Vanilla fridge Spray & Ajax powder every Saturday morning.

From there I went on to work at a Surf Shop, a Bowls Club,  a Discount Store (Possibly the best job I had until I moved to Melbourne)

When I moved to Melbourne, I got a job as a Receptionist in ChildCare. I didn't want the job at all- It was something my Case Manager lined up and TOLD me that I had an interview to attend. I walked in to that interview with purple hair and a bad attitude, I was asked why I wanted the job and my reply was "I don't, I was told to come". Would you believe- I actually got that job?

I both loved to work there, and hated to work there. Some of the staff were amazing (infact, I reunited with a few of them on facebook now and adore them to bits), the work was great, The job was  around the corner from home so it was perfect for me..Unfortunatly, I was treated horribly. I had a great friend relationship with my boss...but the boss power she had over me was crazy. I was pulled into the office  a couple of times a week for 3 years and she would tell me things I was doing wrong- even though some of them I was doing right/were not my fault..and I'd cry. I would cry hard.
I recieved an instant dismissal from that job once a new staff member came in, almost like she forced me out of that place..Instant dismissal for something that two people should have been responsible for- yet I took all the blame because the other staff member was like Family to the higher powers. (Don't worry, It wasn't anything illegal!)

This scarred me.

I was too scared to go back in to full time employment for fear that someone would treat me like shit, that I wouldn't be good enough for another employer and be forced to cry over things I did or did not do.

I dropped in and out of Employment for the next almost 10 years.

I worked in Massage (Which I found out was an underground brothel to some girls- so I left immediatly), I worked for my partners Mothers work, taking on two jobs at seperate times- Data Entry, Cleaning. A job I actually enjoyed doing because I was working with great people. I also worked on a few occasions for my partners Aunty & Cousin- I was head reception filling in for a girl who went away for a month, I was basically responsible for the whole workplace at the time, The second job was cold calling, a job I HATED and I found a different job just so I could leave (Plus i was getting paid $5 an hour to cold call- with no lunch break, no nothing... Infact, I went out for a 5 minute smoke break 6 hours in, only to be told I had to go back inside and work- no breaks were allowed for me!!). In between all them, I have done quite a few other jobs- one was telemarketing, and while I loved the hours (4pm-9pm) and the staff I worked alongside with, I hated ringing people and interrupting their dinner time, I got so many threats and so much abuse thrown down the line, when all I was trying to do was keep a roof ove rour heads and earn some money- I have so much respect for Telemarketers these days because I know how incredibly hard a job it is.

The last job I had was as a cleaner. Cleaning the local shopping centre. I actually really loved this job, I worked 2 hours a day, I walked to work, I got paid well...I had to give it up when I was 8 months pregnant with my son and it was so upsetting to leave the first job I actually felt comfortable in, in a long time.

So this brings me to now.

I have the most rewarding and demanding job of them all right now- A stay at home Mum of 2. It is a challenge at times- but I wouldn't change it for the world.

What do I want to do with my future? I don't know- I have all these great ultimate dreams, become a food critic, open an itty bitty "shop" that sells Cupcakes, Work from home creating awesome hairpieces and jewellery and imported clothes, Volunteer in an Animal Shelter, Feed the Homeless. I know none of these will ever happen (Well, the first two won't ever), but a girl can dream right?

Do you have dream jobs you want for your future? Do you think you will actually ever do them?

Hey! Guess what?

I Love you.

I love that you told me if it could last a year- It could last forever, and I love that exactly a year after you told me that, you proposed to me.

I love that every single night you say "goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams" to me. We never go to bed angry.

I love our music sessions, where we listen to shitty 90s songs and still know all the lyrics. That makes me smile.

I love that I had babies with you. I'm so blessed and so lucky that my babies have such an amazing father who has no hesitation in changing pooey nappies, cleaning up vomit & wiping away snot.

I love that you don't care for others opinions- You wear what you want, you say what you want...your you- and you don't change for anyone.

I love you when you drop your guard completly- like the time you cried at the Cinemas when we saw March of the Penguins.

I love your passion Cars- You amaze me with your knowledge.

I love that almost every week you let me pick the DVDs we watch- you sit through every Rom/Com without complaint.

I love that you eat whatever I cook, That you push your boundaries with food and you are always willing to try something new.

I love that despite my bad health- you have stuck by me.

I love that you supported me through both labours, getting me a cold facewasher for the first, frantically waving a Top Gear magazine infront of my face to keep me cool for the second.

Most of all- I love that you always come home to us at the end of a hard day, without much complaint, and you put up with alot of my shit- and you let me get away with alot of it to.

~From the Beginning, to infinity- without end~