Seperation Anxiety. Pain in the arse...or just an amazing bond?

You be the judge.

Lately I have been having a bit of a hardtime with the Baby and her Seperation Anxiety.

Putting it nicely- It is doing my fucking head in.

My son wasn't ever like this so this is a "new" thing for us, and it sucks.
I cannot leave the room without hysterics from her, David cannot hold her unless I am in the room with her- and god forbid I leave the room to go to the toilet or eat!

We had a Maternal Health Nurse visit last week, After explaining this to the MCHN, her reply was "It's a pain in the arse, but I am smiling and I will tell you why- This is a GOOD thing because it means you & your Daughter have created an amazing bond with each other".

Yes, It is amazing that we have created this bond, but fuck! Give me a break!

Right now she is asleep in her Daddies arms, something that very rarely happens- This is the longest I have been able to sit infront of the Computer in a month and a half (That is how long this Seperation Anxiety has been going on). MCHN said to keep distance to a minimum and soon enough she will get over this phase- I hope she is right.

I feel like a shitty Mother admitting that this is doing my head in right now, but it is...and I feel like this is something I need to tell you, or I just need to get off my chest.

Am I the only one who has struggled with a babies stage in life? No.

So why do I feel so alone in this?

Work, The past, The future & everything in between...

I have worked in so many different occupations over the past 17 years, It is crazy.

My very first job was cleaning Beachfront Units with my Mum & Dad- something I didn't have a choice in doing, something I was forced in to doing so that I was keeping out of trouble and making their job easier. I don't recall being paid for it, I just remember coming home and smelling like Vanilla fridge Spray & Ajax powder every Saturday morning.

From there I went on to work at a Surf Shop, a Bowls Club,  a Discount Store (Possibly the best job I had until I moved to Melbourne)

When I moved to Melbourne, I got a job as a Receptionist in ChildCare. I didn't want the job at all- It was something my Case Manager lined up and TOLD me that I had an interview to attend. I walked in to that interview with purple hair and a bad attitude, I was asked why I wanted the job and my reply was "I don't, I was told to come". Would you believe- I actually got that job?

I both loved to work there, and hated to work there. Some of the staff were amazing (infact, I reunited with a few of them on facebook now and adore them to bits), the work was great, The job was  around the corner from home so it was perfect for me..Unfortunatly, I was treated horribly. I had a great friend relationship with my boss...but the boss power she had over me was crazy. I was pulled into the office  a couple of times a week for 3 years and she would tell me things I was doing wrong- even though some of them I was doing right/were not my fault..and I'd cry. I would cry hard.
I recieved an instant dismissal from that job once a new staff member came in, almost like she forced me out of that place..Instant dismissal for something that two people should have been responsible for- yet I took all the blame because the other staff member was like Family to the higher powers. (Don't worry, It wasn't anything illegal!)

This scarred me.

I was too scared to go back in to full time employment for fear that someone would treat me like shit, that I wouldn't be good enough for another employer and be forced to cry over things I did or did not do.

I dropped in and out of Employment for the next almost 10 years.

I worked in Massage (Which I found out was an underground brothel to some girls- so I left immediatly), I worked for my partners Mothers work, taking on two jobs at seperate times- Data Entry, Cleaning. A job I actually enjoyed doing because I was working with great people. I also worked on a few occasions for my partners Aunty & Cousin- I was head reception filling in for a girl who went away for a month, I was basically responsible for the whole workplace at the time, The second job was cold calling, a job I HATED and I found a different job just so I could leave (Plus i was getting paid $5 an hour to cold call- with no lunch break, no nothing... Infact, I went out for a 5 minute smoke break 6 hours in, only to be told I had to go back inside and work- no breaks were allowed for me!!). In between all them, I have done quite a few other jobs- one was telemarketing, and while I loved the hours (4pm-9pm) and the staff I worked alongside with, I hated ringing people and interrupting their dinner time, I got so many threats and so much abuse thrown down the line, when all I was trying to do was keep a roof ove rour heads and earn some money- I have so much respect for Telemarketers these days because I know how incredibly hard a job it is.

The last job I had was as a cleaner. Cleaning the local shopping centre. I actually really loved this job, I worked 2 hours a day, I walked to work, I got paid well...I had to give it up when I was 8 months pregnant with my son and it was so upsetting to leave the first job I actually felt comfortable in, in a long time.

So this brings me to now.

I have the most rewarding and demanding job of them all right now- A stay at home Mum of 2. It is a challenge at times- but I wouldn't change it for the world.

What do I want to do with my future? I don't know- I have all these great ultimate dreams, become a food critic, open an itty bitty "shop" that sells Cupcakes, Work from home creating awesome hairpieces and jewellery and imported clothes, Volunteer in an Animal Shelter, Feed the Homeless. I know none of these will ever happen (Well, the first two won't ever), but a girl can dream right?

Do you have dream jobs you want for your future? Do you think you will actually ever do them?

Hey! Guess what?

I Love you.

I love that you told me if it could last a year- It could last forever, and I love that exactly a year after you told me that, you proposed to me.

I love that every single night you say "goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams" to me. We never go to bed angry.

I love our music sessions, where we listen to shitty 90s songs and still know all the lyrics. That makes me smile.

I love that I had babies with you. I'm so blessed and so lucky that my babies have such an amazing father who has no hesitation in changing pooey nappies, cleaning up vomit & wiping away snot.

I love that you don't care for others opinions- You wear what you want, you say what you want...your you- and you don't change for anyone.

I love you when you drop your guard completly- like the time you cried at the Cinemas when we saw March of the Penguins.

I love your passion Cars- You amaze me with your knowledge.

I love that almost every week you let me pick the DVDs we watch- you sit through every Rom/Com without complaint.

I love that you eat whatever I cook, That you push your boundaries with food and you are always willing to try something new.

I love that despite my bad health- you have stuck by me.

I love that you supported me through both labours, getting me a cold facewasher for the first, frantically waving a Top Gear magazine infront of my face to keep me cool for the second.

Most of all- I love that you always come home to us at the end of a hard day, without much complaint, and you put up with alot of my shit- and you let me get away with alot of it to.

~From the Beginning, to infinity- without end~

Yes, I do think it is all about me actually...

How do you try to not make life less about you-when you're writing a blog about yourself?

I'm a selfish person.

I won't deny that. I like to think that the world revolves around me.
I like to think I am the main linchpin in all that surrounds me- and it stops here.

I just found out a guy I went to High School with has Brain Damage. He cannot work, cannot run and cannot throw things. I don't know how it happened, I had heard through the grapevine that it did happen a long long time ago, but he only mentioned it today. How can someone with Brain Damage- be less selfish about life than me? How come he isn't all "woe is me" when his problems are a million times worse than mine? How come I constantly whinge and complain about my life when life really isn't as bad as I make it out to be? I take everything for granted- and it stops here.

But how do I move foreward and be a better person, How do I stop trying to make myself the centre of attention- when that is all I know how to do?

Peer through the looking glass....

If your looking for a Blog with perfect grammar, perfect spelling and perfect manners- you have come to the wrong place. I'm not good with words and I never claim to be either..

I need this blog. I need to get all these thoughts out of my head and have them somewhere. Somewhere a little more public than my private day to day journal...Somewhere where someone will look at my blog and think to themselves "Hey! I feel that way too"...who am I kidding? I feel so alone, why would anyone find any relevance in this blog?

I wanted to start off with a big "All about me" entry- but I won't.

The truth is, I can't write about who I am when I am struggling to find myself right now. I hope in time I can put the right words down, be something amazing. someone more than just "mum".